


This Town Is Just One Long Smorgasbord

by Varanidae



Category: Schitt's Creek, Tremors (1990)
Genre: A really big worm and a really small town, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Explosives, Gen, Heroes & Heroines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:15:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24208801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Varanidae/pseuds/Varanidae
Summary: A Tremors AUAlexis leads the entire town on an assault against a monster graboid and the only bombs David knows how to make are bath bombs.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 17
Collections: Reel Schitt's Creek Prompt Fest





	This Town Is Just One Long Smorgasbord

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sullymygoodname](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sullymygoodname/gifts).
  * In response to a prompt by [sullymygoodname](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sullymygoodname/pseuds/sullymygoodname) in the [Reel_Schitts_Creek](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Reel_Schitts_Creek) collection. 



> Prompt: Tremors AU, The town has a monster problem. Stay off the ground.
> 
> CW: My gamer SO helped me construct a bit of the story line so there is gratuitous use and casual mention of weapons, explosives, and guns. 
> 
> This is was it is and I can't say it's my best work, but it sure was fun. Enjoy!

“Well, kids, your mother and I have some very special plans for today!” Johnny excitedly shared with his two children, sitting across from him at a booth in the cafe on a sunny spring morning.

“Oh my god! Did you finally upgrade the WiFi at the hotel?!” Alexis chirped and clapped her hands excitedly.

Johnny stared at his daughter with exasperation, “No--not. What’s wrong with the WiFi?”

David interrupted his father, “Seriously? If more than one person in the entire hotel tries to check their email at the same time, much less stream a movie, the whole thing crashes.”

Johnny looked at his children with wide eyes, “Well, I guess I can talk to Stevie about it. But, the good news is--” Moira placed her hand on Johnny’s arm,“John, dear, they’ve clearly no interest in joining us by the waterfront this afternoon.” She squeezed his arm, smiled coyly, and whispered suggestively, “Besides, I think Mr. and Mrs. Rose deserve a respite from our ungrateful offspring and take advantage of some much needed alone time.”

Simultaneously the siblings shouted “Ewwww!!” at their smiling parents.

Twyla approached the table and placed an array of sliced apples, four pieces of toast, and a bowl of nacho cheese on the table. “Sorry Roses, George hasn’t come in yet and this is all I could find.” Twyla smiled and dashed away to the next booth of customers before any member of the Rose clan could protest.

David poked at the browning apple slices, “Suddenly, I’m not very hungry.”

Johnny looked up from his sad piece of dry toast as Roland entered the cafe and up to the booth. “Heya Roses! I got a question for Alexis.”

“Oh?” Alexis perked up feigning interest.

“Yeah, Joce and I were trying to get in touch with Mutt. Did he leave you like a phone number or passenger pigeon to keep in touch?” Roland asked.

“Umm. No. But I thought he was back at his barn?” Alexis returned, her interest now becoming more authentic.

“Are you asking about Mutt?” Twyla was back at their booth. “He was supposed to come by a few days ago to pick up more scraps for compost and he’s never late for pick up.” She added.

“Hmm. I don’t like the sound of that. We went to the barn and it looked like he’d been there, but all we could find was a big pile of dirt in the middle of the barn floor.” Roland explained.

A concerned look began to fall over Johnny’s face, “Twyla? Is George sick? Maybe we should send someone to check and make sure he’s okay.” He paused to look at his son, “David, you aren’t doing anything today so maybe you can go check on George?”

“Absolutely not.” David protested. “I don’t even know where he lives.”

“Oh, he doesn’t live far from Mutt’s place.” Twyla added.

“Yes, David!” Alexis teased, “You should one hundred percent go and check on your favorite pizza chef!”

“Dive head first into an empty pool, please.” David retorted.

Johnny looked at the coagulated bowl of nacho cheese and decided he had to intervene and find the cook. “I’ll go.”

“But, John!! Our sexy little escapade!” Moira cried.

“Moira, I’m going to need a little more than toast to have the energy for a picnic.” Johnny said.

“Oooooh. Frisky, Johnny boy!” Roland teased.

Alexis and David both turned pale at the suggestion, Alexis covering her ears, and David hiding behind his hands.

Johnny shook his head and left along with Roland in search of Mutt and George. Moria gathered her things and left with Jocelyn to attend Jazzagals rehearsals.

“Oh, David?” Alexis said as she gathered her purse and oversize feathered hat.

David replied in annoyance, “What?”

“Escort me to your store. I need some more of that lip balm.”

“Hmm, mmmhmm. No thanks. I’ll need to see your proof of payment for something first.” David replied as he stood to make an exit from the cafe.

“Ugh! David! You know I have dry lips!”

“Hmm, then you better keep them shut, huh?”

****

“George? Knock knock, it’s Johnny Rose.”

“--and the Mayor!” Roland yelled through the glass window.

Johnny shook his head and noticed that the door was slightly ajar. “Hey, Roland. Come here.”

“Did you find a dead body yet?” Roland laughed in amusement at himself.

“No, no. No body. But does George often leave his place open like this?”

“Well, I don’t know the guy that well, but he probably doesn’t have an extensive beanie baby collection to protect like me and Joce.”

“Right…” Johnny was unsure whether Roland was joking, but something still didn’t feel quite right about George and Mutt's disappearance.

“Huh. That’s odd.” Roland stared out at the field behind George’s house. Johnny stood beside Roland and looked at him in question. “George must’ve sold off all his cattle...guess we won’t be having meatloaf on Mondays for a while.” Johnny walked out to the field and noticed several piles of dirt. Roland kicked one of the piles of dirt and suddenly a disembodied cow head tumbled out at their feet.

Johnny gasped and took his pocket handkerchief to his mouth in disgust, “Dear god! What is that smell?!?”

“It’s pretty bad. Ooof! Almost as bad as that time we had to replace the toilet seat AND bathroom curtains in Room 2.” Roland added.

“Maybe we should call the authorities, Roland? Or check on your son!” Johnny exclaimed.

“Oh, Mutt is fine. He knows how to handle himself. His ol’ papa taught him how to survive anything. And I am the authorities. We’ve got this.” Roland looked a few feet from the dirt pile and saw something. He reached out to grab it, “Hey, looks like whatever got the cows also got this snake.” he held up the mangled looking fleshy coil that might have once been a snake. At the same moment he held up the bloodied tentacle it moved to wrap around Roland’s wrist, and took him by surprise. He quickly flung the beastly appendage out of his hand, “That thing is still alive!!”

Johnny bent over as the worm-like creature wriggled and twisted as if it were trying to burrow back into the ground. “Roland, that’s not a snake. I think we should get back to town…” He felt the ground beneath him begin to rattle, “RIGHT NOW!”

The two men ran to Roland’s truck and it struggled to start. After the third try the engine turned and as they turned the corner out of George’s driveway they could see the mound of dirt getting larger and larger before suddenly disappearing.

“Hurry! Roland!” Johnny shouted.

****

“It’s pretty quiet in here David. Should we be worried?” Alexis mewed.

“I think you meant _tranquil_ , thankyouverymuch.” David replied as he stocked the new soy candles made by the farm witches. Patrick stood at the register and chuckled lightly at the bickering siblings. David turned to Patrick, “Did Heather Warner ever call back about the new soap order?” knowing that Heather was a sore spot for his sister but also because he was genuinely curious about the soap.

Patrick looked at his phone and frowned. David stopped what he was doing and walked over to Patrick, “What? What happened Patrick?” Alexis was also now hovering over Patrick’s phone. Patrick looked up at the curious Rose faces and asked them, “Check your phones. I don’t have any service.”

“My phone is at the hotel. And so are my keys. And my wallet.” David said with a frown that was only slightly apologetic.

Alexis huffed, “No! No service for me! I was sooooo close to outbidding some little b on a cute Stella number.”

“The internet is down, too.” Patrick’s concern was growing. “Maybe there was a tower outage?”

The three were interrupted from their thoughts when the bell above the door rang and a very sweaty and out of breath Mr. Rose was trying to say something. Patrick grabbed a chair and a bottle of water. Mr. Rose sat in the chair as Roland walked in the door and took the bottle of water from Patrick, “Thanks! I’m parched!” Patrick grabbed a second bottle and handed it to Mr. Rose.

“What is going on, Mr. Rose??” Patrick asked as calmly as he could.

“There’s something out there! It took the cows. George!” Johnny huffed.

Roland held up his phone to show pictures of the cow head and the fleshy tentacle. David shrieked in disgust. Alexis took the phone from Roland and examined it closely like she knew something the others didn’t.

“Do you know what that thing is, Alexis!?” Patrick asked. Alexis hesitated for a beat. “I think--I think I know what it is. You date one too many possessive Saudi princes and you start to get familiar with all the different species of graboids and sandworms there are in the world.”

Alexis spun around, “Roland! We don't have much time. Go get mom and Jocelyn and tell the Jazzagals to stop rehearsals immediately! These icky things pick up on vibrations and noises. Tell Ronnie to round up as much fire power she can find and meet me at Bob’s Garage. Bring everyone else back here since this is like the quietest place in town.” She looked up at David and mouthed “sorry” as Roland took off for Town Hall.

Alexis took command of the situation like only Alexis knew how. She was always good in a crisis. David, Patrick, and Johnny just stared at her in awe.

“Dad--go to the cafe and tell Twyla I need as many propane tanks as she can muster and a drum of leftover cooking oil. I’ll meet you over there in a hot minute.”

“What can I do?” Patrick asked.

“Oh, button! You have the most important job! I need you to lure the graboid in to our trap.” She ripped off a piece of receipt paper and started to draw a sketch.

“Excuse me!?!?!” David shrieked “My FIANCE is not going to be some decoy for a disgusting monster!!” Patrick took David by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes. Without saying any words David began to calm down and shook his head. “Fine. Go. go be a fucking hero.”

Alexis handed Patrick a sketch and started to rattle off instructions when Roland and the Jazzagals stumbled into the Rose Apothecary. Ronnie was front and center, “Somebody needs to explain to me what is going on right now because Roland’s explanation sounds like a SciFi special Moira starred in twenty years ago.”

Moira piped up with glee, “Oh! Yes, I believe you mean the science fiction masterpiece I starred in alongside a jaunty young Alan Thicke called _Worm At Heart_. Can you believe my body double actually contracted heartworms!?”

Alexis explained to Ronnie that Schitt’s Creek had become host to a type of sandworm called a graboid that feeds on anything it can get and that likely George and his cattle had fallen victim to the grabby tentacled creature. It wouldn’t be long before it ran out of livestock and found its way to town.

“I hope for all our sakes there’s only one.” for a moment Alexis cast a far away look in her eye that told everyone just how serious the situation had become.

Stevie emerged from the crowd and whispered something in Alexis’ ear. Alexis nodded in understanding and booped Stevie on the nose. Stevie moved to stand beside David who was looking at her curiously. Alexis formed a small huddle consisting of Patrick, David, Ronnie, Stevie, Roland, and Jocelyn.

“I’ve just been informed that the motel has a secret armory. Apparently aunt Maureen was into some crazy shit.” David glanced wide-eyed over to Stevie and she whispered back to him, “Remember, I told you about the gun play. She’s got a ton of gunpowder.” David rolled his eyes and Stevie looked at him again, “No, seriously. Like there’s literally one ton of gunpowder in a bunker under the shed.” David’s jaw dropped nearly to the floor.

Alexis continued, “So here’s the deal. Focus people! We need to get explosives INSIDE of the worm or shoot it up to bits and pieces.”

“How the are we supposed to get it to eat a stick of dynamite?” David harped.

“They’re pretty dumb, David. But I’ve got an idea.” Alexis winked at her brother and he wasn’t entirely sure he liked what that implied.

Jocelyn and David stayed behind with the rest of the Jazzagals at Rose Apothecary while Alexis, Stevie, and Ronnie went to assess the weapons they had at their disposal. Roland went to the cafe to gather supplies from Twyla and Johnny. The plan was for them to meet up with Patrick at Bob’s Garage to assemble and set up a trap at Mutt’s barn.

****

Patrick sat in the driver’s seat of Roland’s beat up Pickup truck facing the eastward road out of town while waiting for his family and friends to join him. He was nervously tapping his left foot trying not to think about what might or might not happen in the next few hours. The passenger side door to the pickup opened, startling Patrick. David slipped into the passenger side seat wearing his white framed sunglasses and looking ahead at the same road out of town. David held out his left hand and Patrick clutched it tightly, his left foot now still, and they sat there for a few moments in silence just watching the horizon beyond the east exit of Schitt’s Creek.

David and Patrick both gasped at the same time when they saw the rumble of dirt weaving a path alongside the road headed straight towards them. In his peripheral vision, David could see a white blur in a feathery hat waving her arms in the air and stomping on the ground. Time seemed to be moving at a fraction of the pace and at hyperspeed all at once. He could make out a shorter, dark-haired figure dumping what appeared to be frozen meat and black powder into garbage bags. It felt like he had only blinked twice and Alexis and Stevie were in the bed of the pickup truck with Roland and Mutt. _Where had Mutt come from and why isn't he wearing a shirt???_ Patrick had spun the truck around and they were now headed southward away from the animated pile of dirt and away from town center. A glimpse in Roland’s rusty rear view mirror revealed a giant horrible worm with a mouthful of medusae garbling up the bags of meat and gunpowder as it chased the moving target that was Roland’s truck with David, his family, and his precious fiance inside.

David began to hear gunshots and he looked in his passenger side mirror, but Roland was missing that particular mirror, so he glanced past Patrick’s shoulder to see the driver’s side mirror. Ronnie was sitting atop an armored tank handling the largest gun he’d ever seen while his dad fed bullets into an automatic gun. _Where the fuck did they get a tank??_

“It’s Bob’s. It has been behind the garage since the 70’s.” Patrick yelled out over the noise.

David hadn’t realized he said the words aloud. The engine of Roland’s truck began to make clunking noises that brought a worried look to Patrick’s face. “Don’t worry, honey! It does that when it’s low on gas!” David shouted trying to reassure Patrick.

Oh. _Oh._

The truck began to slow down. David turned around to see Mutt and Alexis throwing grenades into the mouth of the huge worm before ducking down into the bed of the truck. He saw the mouth of the beast open wide. “David! Duck!” Alexis shouted. He pulled Patrick down with him and ducked down in the seat of the truck. The next thing he saw was orange goop raining down on the truck and chunks of worm flesh flying through the air. He could hear his father whooping in triumph in the distance, his sister clapping her hands, and Roland hollering about how much press it would bring to town.

Roland approached the passenger side of the truck door, “Hey, Dave. Do you think you could bottle up and sell this orange stuff? Kinda looks like the nacho cheese from the cafe.” Roland held up his finger and sniffed the disgusting fluid. David looked at Roland in abject horror and Patrick answered for him, “Not likely, Roland. No.”

As they made their way back to town David took in the sheer size of the worm and looked over at Alexis. She was being cheered on as a town heroine and there was talk of naming the north wall of the high school gymnasium after her. She caught him looking at her and her attempt at a wink made him feel at home again. He felt safe as Patrick squeezed his hand while Jocelyn discussed organizing a cleanup carnival fundraiser. He looked at the brave friends and family surrounding him and thought to himself that the beastly worm had messed with the wrong goddamn creek. 

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my partner in life for making me choose this prompt when you saw it, then forcing me to watch Tremors with you for the umpteen millionth time, arguing with me about the goop being orange and not yellow, and then finally actually helping me brainstorm this special mix of screwball horror feel-good comedy with the characters I love. You're the best. ❤


End file.
